The Indian Woman and Her Sentiments
The Indian Woman...and her sentiments
By : Pritha Lal ( USA)
I have had the privilege of knowing some amazing Indian women across the world who are women of substance in their own field. Whether it is education, home making, industry, academics, these women, who are also dear friends, celebrate their womanhood and Indian-ness by being who they are, expressing their opinions and sentiments with the intelligence and charisma that is so "them".
I raised an issue the other day in an email about a real life incident back in Kolkata where a recent widow in her mid 50s, who is well educated, financially independent etc still chooses wear red in her apparel after her husband passed away, because she wanted to remain the way he last saw her. She did take off the usual symbols that go with Bengali marital status, and unlike ages ago, widows in Bengal do wear all colors and not just white. However, the color red seems to have attracted attention from other educated members of the society to the point of suggesting, "She doesn't look like she is grieving" or that "why wear red, there are so many other bright colors.. why the color of marriage, when she has lost her husband?"
I am a member of society too, but here are the parts of society I don't and cannot rationalize...
- where was society when she lost her husband?
- what did they do to mitigate her grief?
- what makes them the judge to decide on what image to portray as a widow?
- why are we accountable to norms that have no more sound logic than "keeping up appearences"?
- Isn't grief a personal emtion?
- What makes us so judgmental in this world?
I was apalled when I heard what I did, the color red .. is after all just a color and the widow in question.. has just one thing in her mind - she wants to remain the person her husband saw her last ( minus sindoor etc ) , she wants to remain the memory he left with... good or bad, wrong or right.. those are her emotions, what gives us the right to judge them?
Why is it so easy for us to put ourselves in a different person's shoes and make grandiose statements when we don't even know what that type of grief feels like
And these are some of the responses I have received so far....
"I could not agree with you more. As a woman, I am appalled to see that another woman would say such things. I heard of a similar scenario from my MIL, when my husband's uncle passed away recently in India. His wife had always worn nice bright silk sari's ( everyday !!) with a nice big round red bindi. In fact he bought them for her from all over India. When he died so young.. she was asked to join her son and daughter in the states. The poor lady was asked to buy a a whole new set of wardrobe as hers was too 'shiny' and 'bright'. At the funeral she did not have any dull colors so she wore what she had yellows and pinks.. Yet there were some women from her old town who objected. Who are they to decide what colors signifies mourning. The poor lady had just lost the love of her life and people were more concerned about her wardrobe choices. They made her wear dull whites and greys and after a few weeks I was proud of his aunt to say enough is enough. She wore what she liked. She continues to wear colored saris. True they are not as flashy as before and her red bindi has turned black but I admire her for what she did. She stood for her self and that's very important.
I guess a woman can be another woman's worst enemy. Sad :( ..."
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"...Vygotsky’s focus on interpersonal and social interactions as cornerstones of human learning and development is akin to Locke’s idea of a tabula rasa. Vital to lifelong learning, tools such as language are acquired via socio-cultural interactions. Vygotsky divided learning into two categories, spontaneous concepts (also known as pseudoconcepts) and scientific concepts. Hence our behavior and language are derived from reason and the socio-cultural framework within which we evolve as people. We are all judgemental at some level or the other.
We judge the widow, whether we support her decision to wear red or not. Our questions evolve from such judgements, which is nothing but arriving at an opinion about something. Whether that opinion is an outcome of rationality or irrationality, it is still a judgment.
Why the widow should not wear red, why would anyone raise this question in today's context and how we should react to such incidences are questions that are defined in and responsed to, from our unique learning experience. Some of us have the ability to reason better than others. Some of us have lost the ability to refine the process and have suppressed it under layers of pseudoconcepts. Some of us have therefore "kept up" with changes, some of us have not.
Society is a largely undefined mass and more times than not, we use the idea to justify our own behavior or actions. You and I are society. the widow and the detractor is society too. At the end of the day, it is finally the widow's choice to wear red or not to since her societal context is defined by all kinds - her supporters and her detractors, along with the ones who simply are not bothered. "
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" I'm strongly belief and profess a simple term "Perception Personified". i use it quite often to deliberate adn explain to others and also to passify myself when I feel others are not in conformity to my point of view. No matter what age, there has always existed and will further in future also exist feelings, emotions, understanding and perception of every person, many different from the other. It is a simple concept of to each his own, while one may believe that they wish to mourn and have no one to dress for and hence the whites or the greys or the blacks, some might wish to continue dressing well and as always in the past, thinking that maybe that special person is watching from somewhere far away and because he liked her being dressed like that or in that particular color. Whatever that person's wish is, I respect it, completely, whether it is to wear dull shades or opt for bright ones. As for being judgmental that's a residual of this to-each-his-own value system that we don't preach but follow anyways, its like the unsaid rule or the hidden truth. I wont even dwelve into whether doing what they do makes them happy, some people chose to not be happy, its what they feel is right and again we are no one to impose on anyone's wishes. Yes inference from others is not sought, but then in that case, shouldn't we also not seek their involvement or help to overcome our grief. Many might stay away thinking that the person at loss might sense interference in their personal affairs.
I don't understand right or wrong, I just do waht I feel is right or many a times what makes me happy. If i feel mourning will make me happy I'll do it, if I want to wear Red I will, for that matter if I just want to feel the presence of my beloved around I might also chose to wear the sindoor always! Who's to stop me?
I don't understand what modernisation is either, I'm too orthodox I feel, but thats for me adn no onw else. People my age do a lot of things I find utter waste or things I do, I end up either hearing grow up or you're so boring like the oldies.
Again its simply a perception personal to me, its how I personify it.
I have another perception also, Why do we not see this in other religious beliefs, Christianty , Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Islam, etc. Again its a perception personified. Yes, we're born with a certain religion because we are born to parents from a certain religion, but ultimately, the choice is ours and most wish to chose the religion, the belief and te faith that they inherited, whatever the reason for that maybe. In these, women are dressing the same always, irrespective of their marital status.
What I don't understand is when the distiction is so stark with Hindu women, why not with men? But again, that's just my personal perception. Who am I to question how men dress, why they do so, etc. Maybe its just cause women are known to be the more emotional species of the two and they are more affected by such a change i their lives and want to reflect such a change, whereas men largely remain unaffected, at least much lesser than their female counterparts."
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"..Our social structure often seems quite strange to me, I have seen women staying with their husbands who were rogues and suffering silently not going for a separation as it will make them a social outcaste and also cases when women who were once happily married giving up all worldly comfort once their husbands die in order to please people around them. Why only dress even one generation back, women had to turn veg once their husbands died and then suffer from malnutrition. I doubt whether economic independence has made women actually independent. .."
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To quote sociologist Shamita Dasgupta, "Historically, the family has been the primary social refuge for Indian women. A womans identity in South Asia has never been conceived of in individual terms; rather it has always been fused by the men in her life. Thus, a South Asian woman is generally defined by her familial roles." (Contours of the Heart, New York: Asian American Writers Workshop, 1996)
It is sad but when the Indian society still expects married women to wear mangalsutra, sindoor, observe karvachauth rituals and fasts, in other words announce to the world that she is a "married" woman, we have a long way to go. Women have always played an important role in the transmission and perpetuation of tradition and culture. Thus it comes as no surprise to me, that this lady is penalized because of wearing the color red. Hats of to her for standing up to what she believes in irrespective of how the society views her.
It will be interesting to see what Indian men have to say on this issue.....
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I agree, there are norms set by society that are often questionable and currently in Europe people are even questioning the need to be married----marriage is a social status as well....why do we need rings and sindoor to show we are married...why do we have to display signs of marriage? similarly why do women have to dress to show that they are a widow??? Just let people be and live their lives...
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absolutely agree with you! who the hell is anyone in society to tell you what colour your grief should wear or what colour you shouldn't when you are married! I am glad this lady chose to live her life on her terms and hope she continues to do so...without pressure from this "society". Having lost her husband does not mean the end of the road for her! what a shame to the so called "progressive" India!
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Life does not stops for anyone....Nobody knows that better than me, having
lost a loveable husband at the age of 33 only after only 7 years of
togatherness ! I live the way I am comfortable with social taboos creating
obstacles at times. But God gives me the power to sail through all such hard
and bad times.I know my late husband can never see me unhappy and sad ! When
my father-in-law died, he insisted that his mother wears red bindi,
colourful sarees and eat normally. How can 'so-called' social norms and
customs come in the way of sentiments and feelings that cannot be expressed
in words? This message goes to all who want live life on their own and be
proud of themselves God creating them as women.
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From a gentleman friend :
Your write-up was very thought provoking. It surely made me sit down and think.
There is a reason why societal change is slow. Perhaps in India by nature it is slower. I am sure there have been some changes since Raja Ram Mohan Roy and Swami Vivekananda. However, still change is slow. One of the main reason is as follows… How do you define society? Does it have name or face? It does not. Hence it is easy to criticize society. It is easy to criticize nameless defaulter, but equally hard to fight it. The demon lies within us and within our near and dear ones.
When we need to criticize and fight our own people the game becomes slightly different. Our relatives, children and spouse have names and faces. So often we don’t confront them with the fear of hurting the relations. One examples is bribery. On one-on-one discussion (mainly during the parties J) we all criticize corruption and also regret that we need to pay so much bribe. However, very few times we confront a cousin or an uncle who is known for taking bribes.
My point is that the societal change is typically very slow, unfortunately. The reason being that we tend to fight the society while condone individuals when it hurts our interests. One look at the history of Civil Right movement in US will elaborate my point. It took significant amount of time. Actually it gathered momentum when whites became more liberal and self-critical.
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What stands out the most to me is the dichotomy of an “accepted’ social standing/appearance. In the cycle of historical transition the position and stature of women has undergone consistent periods of highs and lows, early Vedic age through the medieval period a lot of things changed, marriageable age, literary freedom, political status etc etc. what amazes me today is the ‘generality” that permeates our society in judging the norm. Every situation be it the celebration of womanhood, marriage, birth of a child and death naturally has a woven fiber of happiness and sadness. (Universal balance..something good even in death) Colors, lifestyle and eating/dressing habits attached to each of these so called events have become some what ritualistic just because so many of us are used to ‘seeing is believing’ instead of looking beyond the horizon..We all get mangled in a web of honor, respect and wanting to belong to a certain way or style of thinking and acting.
Loosing someone leaves a void anyways without the forced social reminders attached to “eating cold food’ wearing white or black, grieving is private, emotional and internal to the core. Just like we ask the question why red? Or who is she dressing up for..on the flip side who did she dress up for before the marriage?????? and now after being a widow? Who is she pleasing..If the answer remains the common denominator.. “Herself” then there is no judging… right?
To tell you the truth I have no patience for judgments based on “just because”….. the color of suhaag red and the anger red and the stop sign red are all still red, what they personify in each continent, culture or moment is still up for grabs; my belief in a universal consciousness is growing stronger by the day because we as women in general have always “enforced” and “followed” the so called patriarchal/religious rules so the buck needs to stop here.
I believe even the mood rings we see around the malls are color centric..the human brain deciphers emotions as color and sound waves so the thoughts you all have shared makes me take a step back and “look inside” how many times have I tried to judge based on so called socially acceptable and how many times have I been judged like wise…??????????
So this email is a reminder to remember and respect “yourself”… treat yourself in a way that you can sleep peacefully at night..without constant battles of trying to make a mold for your own self and or trying to choose who you are and where you belong..accept and acknowledge yourself the way you are and then you can expect similar from “others” to be able to answer the stereotypical questions that will not disappear but will just evolve as times go by ANSWER IT FOR YOUR OWNSELF.
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I am not surprized a bit. These are the same 'well-wishers' whose heart
bleed when you flunk your test or date your neighbor or dont get married at
an 'appropriate age' or delay in ushering in new lives after you tied the
knot or return at wee hours from work or set your feet for the West leaving
your aging parents behind. I could go on and on about these social
parasites. So why do we think they WON'T snap at her now? After all, havent
THEIR world gone topsy turvy after his sudden demise? Coming to the lady
in question, she is already struggling to put her life together, seeking
tranquillity in her suddenly tumbled life, at the temples . Making it more
difficult for her by choosing her wardrobe is so uncalled for. But again,
your society is your sentinal. You gotto explicitly let THEM know with
sindoor, sakha-pola-nowa, mangalsutra etc when you get married and then
again have to 'update' your marital status when the man in our life is no
more. You OUGHT TO keep them abreast of your life(who says it is YOUR
life). And know what? If she remarries, she can then 'reacquire' her garb
that was confiscated. And yeah, dont worry, you do have their permission.
No issues there.
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I think most of us here are of the similar beliefs regarding the notion that "society does not have the power to choose the color combinations in the canvas of our lives". Thus I am not going to delve into that part of the discussion anymore. What I want to talk about is, how can women like us who actually are empowered in certain ways at least to express our thoughts freely in society, help those women who are forever lurking in the shadows, afraid to opine at all? Can we do some thing to help empower these women too, so that this awareness that is so omnipresent in women like us, becomes the basis of an "unbiased towards women!" society...or world....or planet ...or the universe itself...????
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Pritha and other friends..
your thoughts came at the moment when I have been literally thinking and writing about this general feeling of generalisation..as so nicely put by Shilpi...
The pertinent question out here is do we accept the way we are..
I am sure many shall answer in the affirmative..but if you want a the truth from me..i dont at times..i compromise ,i try to adjust and conform myself to the rules of the society..there is an internal 'jehad' going on ..always but at times i feel so happy to live with some and compromise on some in order to receive that so called affection and love..but then again one may say..if one does not accept the way you are then you have not being truly loved.
The relevant question again here ..DO WE ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT WE ARE??..DO WE ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT WE BELIEVE IN?? DO WE ALWAYS STAND UP FOR THE CAUSE? DO WE HAVE THAT COURAGE TO FIGHT AND GO AGAINST ALL ODDS..IN EVERY AVERSE SITUATION...
I think back of marriage..we go through so many irrerevelant and utterly humiliating ritual like.."at the time of leaving the parent's house the girl has to through back a bowl of rice ..saying..'pa i return all the anna or food i had at your place all these years..this house does not belong to me any more..i was a mere guest of yours.."
In an honest confession here..all i think of my marriage ritual in all these years ..is that image of me going through that process.."why could not i defy and say..i wont go through this...bapi..why dont you say something...ma..why are you crying??..
..and marriages are supposed to be happy occasions right..happiness for whom?? and relief for whom?
So what do i do..i grow up after my marriage with a sense of resignation..because i didn't have the courage to abort societal happiness..
In the same sense ..the rituals after death..''when my mother was stricken with cancer and lay on her deathbed..she had only one thing to say for us..don't go for the shradha ceremony..just dont do anything after death,.you have already mourned so much,suffered so much..lived with death every moment of my sickness..dont linger it any more..
..Life went on ..for all of us but for my Bapi..loneliness all around..did i have the courage to say..why dont you remarry?(would it have been blasphemous..at the age of 65? the truth is such a thought did not even arise in my mind..but why??) what I otherwise said was why dont you stay with us..(in unintentional insensibilty..).. it did never cross my mind that i would not be able to give him the amount of time and attention he craved for at this age..He understood..and mourning still persists..somewhere within..so who says the widow is shunned to wear the colour red..the widower too is equally devoid of colours in his life..
We actually do and say things or otherwise dont do or say things which we should..so when we are faced with similar situations we try to be an escapist..like i have been hearing so often..the morality of a girl is directly proportional to the dresses she wears..or wearing western wear and speaking a spattering of English does mean you aren't traditional and cant cook the dishes mom used to prepare with such tenderness..i have been hearing this from all around and have not been able to shun and shout at those people who have been saying such..compromise ..yes.. or say tolerance.. towards a generation who have been brought up that way..who have suffered that way..who are otherwise too genial and caring..but the indignation and disdain faced by them day in and day out have made them a bitter lot..and if you say they may be uneducated ,belong to a particular strata of a society..then you are absolutely wrong..these so called ladies are well educated ,its another matter that emancipated?? they aren't! But who is to blame ?? a society..a family ..a subjugation,an education system,a family structure..i personally feel me too am not emancipated enough to judge them..how can I when i still generalise about so many things?? be judgemental?..like when my son says foul language..i say.. dont talk the language of the slums.. ( a case of slum dog millionaire..??? say?) or i assign a certain kind of behaviour or knowledge to a certain state or district of my country..though jokingly..but still i do..like if i see someone wearing skimpy clothes in a puja gathering..i look twice..and sometimes with a frown on my head,like when i hear loud talk in a intellectual gathering..i assume the person is not cultured enough!
So who makes the rules and who breaks the rules..the fight is within ourselves..we women are our best friends and our worst enemies too..and not so always..it is sometimes difficult to be human enough to share someone's joy..too..very few people can easily be happy about someone's else's well being..we are never born that way..we grow and learn to appreciate out of the circumstances and out of setbacks we suffer in life..it is a process..
..and in this process.. these thoughts too make me a little bit more human..to again question my so called emancipated soul..am i what i try to be..or am i what i think to be..with all my goodness and evil...
Thanks everybody..and more so Pritha..for prodding me to look within..once again!!
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Contrubutors to this post : Shweta Chopra, Tinty Bose, Ishita Bhattacharya, Aarti Sahney Nakra, Chandreyee Mukherjee, Sandhya Unni, Shohini Majumder, Shilpi Culmer, Aditi Banerjee, Piyali Sengupta, Raka Dutta
